The Importance of Self-Kindness and Acceptance
Nicholas Urbaniak • October 21, 2024
A Journey Toward Self-Compassion
In a world filled with external expectations, it’s easy to feel pressured to meet standards set by others. Whether in our careers, personal lives, or social circles, the relentless pursuit of validation can lead to feelings of inadequacy. However, embracing your unique journey and practicing self-kindness can transform how you navigate life’s challenges.
The Weight of External Expectations
We live in a society that often equates success with achievement and approval. Social media amplifies this pressure, showcasing curated lives that can make our own paths feel insufficient. It’s important to recognize that everyone is on their own journey, filled with ups and downs, and what works for one person may not be right for another.
- Recognizing Individual Paths: Understand that life is not a one-size-fits-all journey. What works for you may not work for someone else, and that's perfectly okay. Acknowledging this can help relieve the burden of trying to fit into molds that don’t resonate with you.
- The Power of Iteration: Life is a series of iterations. Each experience, whether a success or a setback, contributes to your growth. Embracing this iterative process allows you to learn, adapt, and evolve without the pressure of immediate perfection.
Cultivating Self-Kindness
Practicing self-kindness means treating yourself with the same compassion and understanding that you would offer a friend. This is especially important when you feel like you're falling short of others' expectations.
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: When you experience doubt or frustration, recognize those feelings without judgment. It’s normal to have them. Allowing yourself to feel and process these emotions is a step toward healing.
- Reframe Negative Thoughts: Replace self-criticism with affirming statements. For example, instead of saying, "I'm not good enough," try rephrasing it to, "I am doing my best, and that’s enough." This simple shift can foster a more positive mindset.
Finding Joy in the Journey
Rather than fixating on outcomes, focus on the experiences that enrich your life. This shift in perspective can lead to greater fulfillment and joy.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Each step forward is a testament to your journey.
- Practice Mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices to help ground yourself in the present moment. This can enhance your appreciation for what you’re experiencing right now, rather than worrying about the future or dwelling on the past.
Life is a journey filled with unique twists and turns, and it’s essential to be kind to yourself along the way. Remember that meeting other people's standards isn’t a measure of your worth. Embrace the beauty of your path, recognizing that it’s perfectly okay to be where you are. Allow yourself to iterate, learn, and grow at your own pace, knowing that every step is part of your story.
Share
How I learned that stepping away doesn’t mean giving up...again
The Gentle Path of Checking In and Noticing How You’re Really Feeling
Turning Inward to Treat Others Better
Embracing Relief One Step at a Time
Sometimes shitty things happen. You find out you have a chronic illness, you lose a job, or someone you love passes away. These circumstances come for us all in some way or another throughout our lives. No one is immune to human suffering and disappointment, and everyone has, or will go through a traumatic experience which takes their breath away in the worst of ways. I personally do not have a recipe for success to get through these times or have some magic words I can say to others when they are going through it. There really isn’t anything you can do to help someone who is struggling after receiving terrible news. Maybe you can offer condolences, help with any errands they had on their list, or just sit with them, but in the end, the grief and intense emotion is sometimes so unbearable that nothing except their own processing will allow them to feel any sort of relief. So, for anyone out there who is having a hard time, I’d like to say that I’m sorry. I wish it were different for you, and I hope that you can find peace in whatever is going on and know that hopefully there is a meaning behind it all. You are strong, but it’s still ok to cry. You do what you need to do to get through this. Remember tomorrow isn’t promised so try to enjoy today. Laugh with your spouse, call your mom, and don’t be afraid to tell someone you love them. Bask in the joys of life when they happen and embrace each other when something goes wrong. Step into life with all it has to offer, from the exhilaration of falling in love to the grief of loss, it is why we are here. “9 months was too long to wait, but now we must wait a lifetime”
Balance isn’t just about staying upright—it’s about how you move through life. Think about riding a unicycle. At first, you have to focus on every little adjustment to keep from falling, but after a while, it just happens . You’re not thinking about every shift—you just move. The goal is simple: don’t fall. And to do that, you keep adjusting, naturally and automatically, just like breathing. That kind of balance is what keeps you moving forward in life. When you feel balanced, you don’t get thrown off so easily. Stress, setbacks, challenges—none of them hit as hard because you’re always making small, automatic corrections . You don’t freeze up or feel stuck. Instead of overthinking, you just act , keeping yourself in motion toward whatever’s next. Balance also changes how you show up in the world. When you feel steady, you’re more present with others. You’re not as reactive, not as easily pulled into fear or frustration. You listen more, you see more, and you handle things with a clearer mind. It makes you more yourself , not weighed down by stress or uncertainty. And honestly? Balance is what lets you grow . Picture a tightrope walker—every step could throw them off, but they don’t freeze or overanalyze. They move . And because they trust their ability to adjust, they push their limits. First, they walk the rope. Then, they raise it higher. Then, maybe they juggle while doing it. The point is, balance isn’t about standing still—it’s about learning to keep moving no matter where life takes you. So if you’re looking for stability, don’t aim for some perfect, unshakable place where nothing ever challenges you. That’s not how it works. Balance isn’t about never wobbling—it’s about knowing that when you do, you’ll find your center again. And the sooner you understand that, the sooner you’ll reach that next version of yourself.
Do you have any control?
Thoughts swirl around me, yet they're not my own. Merely echoes, whispers, from moments behind; Yet now is alive, awake in my mind. Come quickly, my friend— Don’t dwell too long, This moment awaits your joyful song. Release all worry; it's always near— Right now endures if your gaze stays clear.
What do you do when it seems like there’s nothing you can do to fix a situation? Or how do you feel when everything you’ve tried to reach your goals hasn’t worked and it seems like you’re out of options? Do you buckle down and work harder? Do you give up? When you don’t see progress and can’t seem to muster up any more energy to “push through” the best thing you can do is find “ your safe place ”. To some this is going for a run or working out, for others it may be reading or journaling. Whatever it is, it’s the place you go (in your head) or thing you do (to get out of your head) when life has been kicking you around too much for any given day, month or year. It’s the place you know you can be yourself and everything is fine. Where nothing can touch you and you can detach for a little even. Where all the noise of the world fades away for just a little bit. This place is special, you know it as much as it knows you and it never seems to judge you or criticize you. It may not be a place filled with all your hopes and dreams, but it is your safe place , a place that feels like home in this foreign world. Everyone has and everyone needs a safe space, they can just look wildly different, like either diving into a project or work, or laying in bed scrolling social media. It doesn’t matter what it is, what is important is that it gives you reprieve from the constant mental chatter and drama of life. This safe place is what you’ve probably relied on in difficult times to weather the lows of life. It has been a friend when you just couldn’t seem to keep doing what you’ve been doing, and like a friend… who we hang out with can tell us a lot about ourselves. After all our safe place is usually one of, if not the only place we can feel comfortable with ourselves. So, what makes you want to hang out with you? Is it the freedom to peer into your feelings? Is it the freedom to not be productive? Or maybe you just like taking baths for some reason… The thing you do or place you go is often indicative in some way of what you value and how you want to feel. No matter what you do or how you access your safe space it has proven to be reliable and inviting even. It never turns you away and you always receive relief when you go. This place is special and it’s safe and you must be the one to protect it and you will, because it’s your lifeline in this chaotic world and you need it. So I challenge you, the reader here, to figure out what your safe spaces are, the things you wouldn’t let anyone take away. The things you need when nothing else is going right, and ask yourself why these things or actions bring you to that place of contentment . They may have a story to tell.
How do you balance your spending? Do you have a budget down to the T, tracking every cent? Do you trust yourself not to overspend and just put everything on a credit card? Or do you let your spouse handle it all? Either way, your past decisions depict an accurate picture of where you are today. In the past, I used a bucket system. My paycheck went into up to 6 different accounts, and I would only spend what was in each account for that period. It worked very well when we had big, fixed expenses on the horizon that we needed to plan for, and it set us up for this new phase of life. However, times change, and so do you. My wife and I have always been into saving and investing as much as we could. I’d be easily convinced to send money straight to investment accounts, leaving only the essentials for bills and known expenses in our checking and savings. We paid off our credit cards in full every month—just barely—because the rest of our money was already deployed. We had a rough idea of what we could spend while still covering our cards each month. The budget was loose, but it worked. We invested as much as possible and kept up with our expenses. Recently, my wife and I transitioned to a similar approach, but more passive, so we can focus on life rather than finances. Instead of directing investment money to separate accounts, we now put everything into just two: one for saving and one for monthly expenses. The rest is set up through our employers to go straight to our retirement plans, which we had done before, but not to this extent. In the past, I focused heavily on taxable accounts because it was lucrative to be able to invest in anything I wanted—from Pokemon cards and Bitcoin to the occasional gold coin. Now, my wife and I feel we have enough in those taxable (non-retirement) investments that we wouldn’t need to touch our retirement accounts in 99% of emergencies. This is fluid and might change in the future, but for now, we’re set—even in worst-case scenarios. By focusing on after-tax brokerage accounts and alternative investments, we’ve reached a point where we can now focus solely on retirement accounts, which has taken a huge load off our shoulders. People in investing groups often recommend a standard flow: first, a 6-month emergency fund; then your employer 401(k) match; then max out a Roth IRA (or backdoor Roth); then fully contribute to your 401(k); maybe use permanent life insurance for tax benefits; and only after all that, open a brokerage account or consider crypto. That model always left me uneasy—like it was backwards—despite the obvious tax efficiency. I used to think, “What do you do if you have kids and need more than your emergency fund, or if you want to retire at 55?” Retirement accounts typically can’t be touched until later without penalties, so how would you access that money if it was your goal? That’s why, in combination with retirement accounts, I prioritized taxable accounts in my 20s and early 30s—so if I needed money before retirement, it was there, yet I was still contributing to more tax-efficient vehicles. Now, having that buffer layer means I’m much more comfortable throwing everything we can into retirement accounts and deprioritizing taxable ones. This “SUPER” emergency fund makes me feel more at ease than if I had only 6 to 12 months of cash outside my retirement accounts. So, what I’m saying is: always save and invest in a way that fits your needs—not just some blueprint you found in a subreddit—because everyone has different goals in life. I, for one, wanted an extra layer of security so I’d feel comfortable locking up my hard-earned money for 40+ years. While this isn’t the right way for everyone, it was right for me because I knew what would allow me to maximize my contributions and maintain my peace of mind. Recognize that your needs change throughout life, and adjust. One day you might slow down on investing to save for a big vacation; another time, you might boost retirement contributions because you realize you’re behind and need to cut out frivolous expenses. The point is to adapt as needed and know yourself well enough to step outside the mold if you have to—because in the end, it’s not all about money, it’s about living. Plan for the future, but don’t ignore your feelings and needs. Find what works for you, and you’ll get more joy and comfort than if you followed a stale plan that doesn’t make sense to you. The cards will land as they will, and you’ll look back and realize you either did well or made a mistake. But remember, those were your choices. Right now, you have the power to change the trajectory of your future. Adjust as needed, and lean on advisors if you need help.